Johnny has always reckoned that being born is like coming out of the cinema in the afternoon having watched a romantic film –
all that bright light and everyone crying. Johnny’s was a notable birth. He was so ugly the nurse slapped his mother. His mother put shutters on the pram and the only people to cuddle him were scientists. Johnny has gone on to record a multiple birth – well, put it like this … like Boots, he has branches all over England.
THE NEW ARRIVAL
The wife’s mother rushed into the maternity wing to find out how her daughter was progressing. As she entered the waiting room, she spotted her son-in-law. Unbeknown to her, he was listening to the cricket on his IPod.
“How’s it going?” she asked anxiously.
“Not bad,” he smiled, “they’ve got four out and there’s only one to go.”
“Aaah,” she screamed, and fainted.
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The 50-year-old woman phoned up her 60-year-old husband.
“Darling, it’s a miracle, the doctor says I’m pregnant, isn’t that wonderful? You’re going to be a father.”
“That’s great” replied the husband. “By the way, who is this?”
★ ★ ★
Johnnie asked for time off because his wife was going to have a baby. The following day, his boss asked him what it was – a boy or a girl.
“Too early to say,” said Johnny.” “it’ll be another 9 months before we know the answer to that.”
★ ★ ★
“Doctor, doctor, I’m so worried,” said the anxious man.
“Both my wife and I have black hair, but our son’s just been born with red hair. Do you think something funny has been going on?”
“Not necessarily,” replied the doctor. “How many times do you have sex?”
“About 5 times a year.”
“Well, there’s your answer then, you’re just a little rusty.”
★ ★ ★
MA AND PA
Daddy is mowing the lawn when his young son comes running out of the house calling to him.
“Daddy, daddy, what’s sex?” asks the boy. For a moment dad is dumbstruck but then decides that if his son has asked the question, then he must do his best to answer it. For the next few minutes dad talks about the birds and the bees, then human relationships, love, the sex act, having babies – in fact he does a pretty good job of covering every aspect. Eventually he comes to a stop when he sees how oddly his son is looking at him.
“Why did you want to know?” he asks.
“Well, Mummy said to come out and tell you that dinner would be ready in two secs.”
★ ★ ★
Man to son:
Endeavour to marry a girl with small hands, it’ll make your penis look bigger.
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“Mummy, mummy, I’ve discovered how babies are made. I saw daddy put his willy in your mouth last night.”
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“No, that’s not right,” replied mummy, “that’s how I get my expensive jewellery.”
★ ★ ★
“Mummy, mummy, what’s a pussy?” asked the small boy. His mother went to the encyclopaedia and showed him a picture of a cat.
“That’s a pussy,” she said.
“Mummy, mummy, what’s a bitch?” continued the little boy. Again, mother consulted the encyclopaedia and showed her son a picture of a dog.
But the boy wasn’t convinced so he went to his father and asked him what a pussy was. Dad went to his magazine, opened it at the centrefold and drew a circle.
“There you are, son,” he said, “that’s a pussy.”
Then the little boy asked him what a bitch was and dad replied sadly, “Everything outside the circle, son.”
★ ★ ★
“Mummy, mummy, what are you doing?” exclaimed the little boy as he walked into the bedroom to find her sitting on daddy.
“Just flattening daddy’s tummy,” mum replied.
“I wouldn’t bother, when you go out tonight the au pair will only blow it up again.”
★ ★ ★
therapist, I’m sure he’ll be able to help. Pop round to his house this evening.”
The boy does as his father suggests, but after 5 visits there’s no improvement. The sixth time he goes round the door is opened by Bob’s wife who tells him the therapist has been called away on urgent business.
“Can I help at all?” she says.
The boy tells her his problem and within moments she takes him by the hand, leads him upstairs and makes frenzied love to him. The next day he meets up with his father who asks him how the treatment is going.
“It’s great now, dad,” smiles the boy. “The therapist’s wife has got more brains between her legs than he has in his head.”
★ ★ ★
The little girl’s mother was entertaining her next door neighbour when her little daughter walked in.
“Hello, Mrs Crabbit, are you a gardening expert?” she asked.
“No I’m not, why do you ask?” said the puzzled neighbour.
“Mum says if there’s any dirt about you’ll dig it up.”
★ ★ ★
It was cold and pouring with rain but the boy’s mother insisted he go and feed the animals on their freeholding before he could have breakfast. The boy went out in a dark rage, kicked the chickens, punched the cow and threw water
★ ★ ★
all over the pigs.
When he got back inside his mother was furious.
“How dare you!” she fumed.
“For that you get no eggs because you kicked the chickens, no milk because you thumped the cow and no bacon because of the way you treated the pigs.”
Just then, dad came down the stairs and nearly tripping over the cat, he gave the animal a mighty kick. The boy turned to his mother and said, “Are you going to tell him or shall I?”
★ ★ ★
A little girl went into her parents bedroom to find her parents in bed.
“Well!” she exclaimed. “And you tell me off just for sucking my thumb.”
★ ★ ★
A very rich businessman asked his small son what he would like for Christmas.
“A baby brother please,” he replied.
“I’m sorry, son, there’s not enough time, it’s only 3 weeks to Christmas.”
“Well, can’t you put more men on the job?” the son suggested.
★ ★ ★
The farmer and his wife are entertaining the local bigwigs when their son runs in and announces to his father in a loud voice, “Dad, dad, the bull’s fucking the cow.”
After a moment of shocked silence, the farmer turns to his son and calmly says, “Next time, son, be a little less explicit. You should have said.
“The bull is surprising the cow. That sort of language comes from associating with riff-raff.”
Lo and behold, the following week the farmer and his wife are entertaining again when their son rushes in.
“Dad, dad, the bull is surprising the cows.”
“Well done, son, you’ve remembered what I told you, but you should have said the bull is surprising the cow … it can only surprise one cow at a time, you know.”
“But he can, dad,” insists the boy “He’s fucking the horse.”
★ ★ ★
One evening father passed his daughter’s bedroom and heard her saying her prayers. Smiling to himself, he stopped to listen and heard her say, “God bless mummy, God bless daddy, God bless Grandpa, bye bye Grandma.”
How odd, thought father, but he didn’t want his daughter to know he’d been listening so he didn’t say anything to her. But tragically, next day Grandma collapsed and died. A few months went by and one evening father heard his daughter praying again.
“God bless mummy, God bless daddy, bye bye Grandpa. No, it couldn’t mean anything thought father apprehensively, but next morning they received a telegram to say that Grandpa had passed away in his sleep!
The household got back to normal and almost a year passed before father heard his daughter again.
“God bless mummy, bye bye daddy.”
Absolutely panic-stricken, father stayed up all night, too frightened to sleep in case he didn’t wake up. The next morning he walked to work instead of taking the car, in case there was an accident, and spent the day at his desk doing very little but worrying. When he got home that evening he collapsed into a chair, his nerves in pieces, and told his wife all about the nightmare day that he’d had. She replied, “You’re not the only one to have had a bad day. This morning when I opened the front door I found the gasman dead on the front doorstep.”
★ ★ ★
Daddy was taking his young son for a walk in the park when they passed two dogs humping. When the boy asked his father what was happening he told him they were making a puppy. A few days later the little boy caught his mum and dad in the throes of sex and when he asked them what they were doing, dad replied they were making a baby. The little boy said, “Well, can you turn mummy over, I’d much rather have a puppy.”
★ ★ ★
EARLY LEARNING
Two kids were arguing in the playground.
“My dad’s a better darts player than your dad,” said the first boy.
“No he ain’t,” said the second boy. “My dad got the highest score last week.”
“OK, OK, but my mum’s better than your mum.”
“Yeah, alright, my dad says the same thing.”
★ ★ ★
The boy’s father was so disappointed with his son’s school report, he decided to go and see the headmaster to find out what had gone wrong.
“Well, I have good news and bad news,” replied the headmaster.
“The bad news is that your son has discovered he’s gay and he spends all his time pursuing the good looking boys instead of studying.”
The father was horrified.
“But what on earth is the good news?” he stammered. The headmaster smiled. “Well, the good news is that your son has been voted Queen of the May.”
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Father walks into his son’s bedroom to find him lying face down on a life-size picture of Britney Spears.
“Son, what’s going on?” gasps his father.
“It’s alright, dad, I’ve got plain Jane from next door underneath.”
★ ★ ★
At the end of the human biology class, the lecturer conducted a quick question and answer session to check that everyone had been listening to his lesson.
“You over there, the girl in red,” he said pointing, “which part of the body becomes 10 times its normal size under emotional stress?”
Flushed with embarrassment, the girl refused to answer, so another student volunteered.
“The pupil of the eye, Sir.”
“Correct,” replied the lecturer and he turned to the girl, saying, “Young lady, your refusal to answer my question indicates three things. One, you haven’t been listening to my lecture, two, you are obsessed with sex, and three, you are going to be very disappointed.”
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Class 3 have a boy who is always in trouble, he is constantly upsetting the other children and damaging the school property. Eventually, a letter is sent home to his parents saying the school has put up with his bad behaviour long enough. This morning, they found him masturbating in class so they have expelled him. The letter continues: “I suggest you talk to your son about his dirty little habit as soon as possible. Tell him he’ll go blind if he carries on. Yours sincerely, Headmaster.”
When the boy’s dad hears about the expulsion, mum suggests he goes upstairs and has a “heart-to-heart” with his son and also explain what might happen if he continues masturbating. So dad goes upstairs, into his son’s bedroom and starts to talk to him.
“Wait a minute, dad,” says the boy, “I’m over here.”
★ ★ ★
A young boy walked into a bar and asked for a bottle of beer and 20 fags.
“Now, now,” smiled the barmaid, wagging her finger. “Do you want to get me into trouble?”
He replied, “Not at the moment, I just want my beer and fags.”
★ ★ ★
“Mummy, mummy, are little birds made of metal?”
“Of course not, darling, why do you think that?”
“I just heard dad say he’d like to screw the arse off the bird next door.”
★ ★ ★
Grandpa and Grandson go out together for a day’s fishing. At lunchtime, the man opens a can of cider.
“Can I have some, Grandpa?” asks the boy.
“I tell you what, son,” replies Grandpa. “Can your willy touch your backside?”
“No, Grandpa.”
“Then you can’t have any cider.”
Later on, Grandpa gets out his cigarettes.
“Can I have one, Grandpa?”
Grandpa replies, “Can your willy touch your backside?”
“No.”
“Then it’s no to a cigarette.”
On the way home, they pass a newsagent’s and each of them buys a scratch card. Grandpa wins nothing, Grandson wins
£2,000.
“Are you going to share some of your winnings with me, son?” asks Grandpa.
The boy replies, “I tell you what, can your willy touch your backside?”
“It sure can,” replies Grandpa confidently.
“Then go fuck yourself.”
★ ★ ★
A group of young boys were always getting into trouble on the estate so the local vicar decided to intervene and speak to each of them about their behaviour. When it was Johnny’s turn to go in, he sat down nervously wondering what was going to happen. As with the other boys, the vicar decided to find out how much the boy knew about God and whether he understood the difference between right and wrong. The vicar began with the question, “Where is God?”
Johnny stared at him in amazement but did not answer. Again the question was asked, this time more forcibly.
“I said, where is God,” he bellowed.
Frightened out of his skin, Johnny raced from the room, ran all the way home and hid in the wardrobe. His older brother followed him upstairs and shouted through the door.
“What’s happened?”
“Oh Tom, we really are in trouble this time. God has gone missing and they think we did it.”
★ ★ ★
Two young hedgehogs were learning survival tactics from their father.
“Today, I want to tell you about one of our biggest dangers. That road out there,” instructed dad. “There will be times that you need to cross it and if you’re lucky, a car won’t come along. But if it does, just make sure that you stop in the middle of the road so it will go over you without touching. Just watch me and you’ll see what I mean.”
Dad went out into the middle of the road and waited patiently for a car.
“It’s coming,” he shouted, “now you’ll see what…” He never finished speaking. The two young sons heard a sickly crunch as he was flattened on the road.
“I meant to ask him what we should do if a 3-wheeler came along,” said one to the other.
★ ★ ★
The number of children attending Sunday School had dropped dramatically and it was thought that perhaps the lessons had become too serious. As it so happened, a visiting Minister had come to stay and the vicar asked him if he would mind speaking to the children a bit more informally.
“Of course,” replied the Minister and he sat with the children in a circle saying “First of all, children, can you tell me what eats grass, goes moo, and gives us milk?”
For a moment, there was complete silence and then one small boy slowly put his hand up.
“Please Sir, I suppose the answer is Jesus but it sounds just like a cow to me.”
★ ★ ★
A simple young man is encouraged to broaden his knowledge by learning how to parachute. After a few lessons it’s time for his first jump, so that afternoon he and his instructor go up in a plane. The instructor tells the man not to worry because he’ll jump straight after him. So the man jumps out, pulls his rip cord and heads gently for earth. A moment later the instructor jumps out but when he pulls his rip cord nothing happens and within seconds he passes his pupil and plummets to earth at an amazing speed.
“Oh no you don’t,” says the young man on seeing his instructor race pass.
“You didn’t tell me it was a race.” At that, he undoes his parachute and shouts gleefully, “Last one home is a sissy.”
★ ★ ★
There was a skinny young boy who was constantly being teased by the older lads in the village. One of their favourite games was to prove how stupid he was by giving him the choice of picking a 20p piece or a 10p piece. The boy always chose the 10p piece which would send the bullies into fits of laughter.
“See,” they would say. “He always picks the 10p because it’s bigger. He’s so thick.”
On a number of occasions this trick had been witnessed by the local storekeeper who eventually took the lad aside and questioned him. “I’m sure you know 10p isn’t worth as much as 20p, is it really because it’s bigger?”
“Of course not,” whispered the boy, “but if I stopped picking the 10p they’d stop playing the trick!”
★ ★ ★
Two six-year-old boys are standing in the toilet having a pee. One turns to the other and says, “Your dinky doesn’t have any skin on it.”
“That’s because I’ve been circumcised,” he replies.
“Cor! What does that mean?”
“It means the skin’s been cut off the end.”
“How old were you when they did that?”
“About two days old.”
“Did it hurt?”
“It sure did. I didn’t walk for a year.”
★ ★ ★
Now young Tom, born and brought up in the city, was given a chance to visit his cousin who lived on a farm in the country. It was all very strange to him, particularly when he went into the milking shed and saw all the cows attached to the milking machines and the milk pouring out into the buckets. As soon as he was left alone, he decided to attach the machine to his dick to see how it felt. Some time later, his cousin returned to find Tom writhing on the floor in great distress.
“What the hell’s going on?” exclaimed his cousin.
“Help me, please help me. I stuck my dick in your milking machine and I can’t get it out. This is the eighteenth time I’ve come!”
“Well now, Tom,” said his cousin, “I don’t think I can turn the machine off either, but don’t fret. We’ll feed you and look after you. The good news is that it’s only set for a gallon and then it’ll automatically switch off.”
★ ★ ★
